Grief Psychologist Corner: 

Helping Grieving People –When Tears Are Not Enough
By
J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., F.T.

In prior Grief Psychologist columns we discussed how normal the human grief response is and how it shows up in the psychological, physical, social and spiritual aspects of our lives. When we, as care helpers understand grief as a natural human condition and know what can be expected from grieving people, we can achieve a level of comfort with their expressions of grief.

We now turn our attention to how we can help grieving people who are our family, friends, neighbors – as well as our healthcare or pastoral clients. The goal is to learn how to move towards the suffering when our normal instincts are telling us to run the other way.

When Adam and Eve were sent from the Garden they begged to stay but were told they had to leave and also – that a gift was to be theirs once they were outside. They wept and sobbed on the other side of the Gates, felt hot tears flowing down their cheeks and backs. After a long period of time the tears subsided and they felt relieved and less distressed. They realized that the gift was the comforting tears. But – sometimes tears are not enough! That’s where you and I come into the picture.

Let’s first look at some general suggestions for providing care that can be used whether you are feeding a dying person ice chips, hearing a widow’s pain, or helping a bereaved father express his rage.  In my work with families who are bereaved or caring for a dying loved one the following guidelines* have emerged as useful to those providing care.

• Offer yourself.  Remember that you want to make a caring connection with the person who is grieving. The amount of time that you spend with him or her is less important than the quality of time. However, don’t appear rushed and avoid looking at your watch. If appropriate, offer to perform a simple task like picking up dry cleaning, buying groceries or doing their laundry. This is a golden opportunity to connect with the grieving person.

• Be respectful.  Let an ill or grieving person know that despite the circumstances, he or she is still a unique and valuable human being.  Don’t talk down to the person even if the behavior you observe has become childlike. If another person is in the room, look at and talk directly to the person you are visiting when the conversation refers to him or her.

• Become comfortable with silence.  Quiet time together can be golden.  There is no need to fill up every moment with conversation.  You can light a candle, set some flowers in a vase, or simply sit relaxed and wait for the person to speak.

• Use listening skills. To be truly effective as a listener you will need to focus and give the grieving individual your complete attention. Make eye contact, maintain an attentive posture, and match the volume level of your voice and the speed with which you speak to theirs. People in grief and distress from illness want to be heard.  They may need to tell their story over and over again and sometimes the caring helper may be the only one who is still willing to listen.

• Normalize practically everything.  Grieving people feel a wide range of emotions: confusion, helplessness, hopelessness, a sense of dread and a feeling of being stuck in a nightmare without an end. They worry that they are going crazy.  Often, they lose their appetite for food, sex, and/or entertainment.  These reactions are all normal and griefcare helpers need to normalize them.  Assure people that what they are feeling is an unfortunate but usual part of the grief process; and that the need to talk about it is normal as well.

• Avoid judgment.  Try to keep the “why” or “should” out of the conversation. Also, don’t allow your facial expressions, body language, or gestures to give away your judging thoughts. Instead, acknowledge the person’s expressions of helplessness or hopelessness and continue to listen.  Counselors and pastoral care persons may wish to gracefully introduce a “Let’s count our blessings” conversation when the time is right.

• Take action!  (Don‘t Do “Nothing!”).  Help people who are bereaved to become

active.  They can write obituaries, plan the funeral, create other mourning rituals, block out schedules, send out acknowledgement cards, plant a tree, invite special friends over to reminisce, make a charitable donation, get into an exercise routine, and/or take a class.  People grieving due to a serious or life-threatening diagnosis can research the latest developments concerning their illness and locate local or internet support groups.

• Don’t do everything by yourself. Widen your circle of support. Identify social, spiritual, and healthcare resources.  Locate family, friends, clergy, neighbors, colleagues, other care providers, and community services that can become part of the “team.”

• Keep your promises.  If you make a commitment— to visit, run errands, prepare a meal, or even make phone calls— do everything possible to keep that promise. This builds trust.

• Teach the “side by side” or intermittent approach to grieving.  Very few bereaved people maintain grieving behaviors on a continuous basis.  I encourage “time outs” from grieving and prescribe activities such as taking a walk outdoors, working out at a health club, taking time out for a hobby, watching a funny DVD, video or television show, scrubbing the kitchen floor, and even “retail therapy” at a nearby shopping mall. Sometimes people need permission to not grieve; to do or think about something else.

• Be sensitive to cultural, ethnic, and family traditions. An individual’s background influences the way grief is expressed, how one plans for end-of-life rituals, makes decisions. Care providers need to learn how each family interprets its own cultural, religious and ethnic traditions— sometimes all it takes is asking someone in the family.

• “Bracket” your own Cowbells when they come up.  We all grieve at some point in our lives and it is not unusual for our own past grief to suddenly surface. This may be an empathic reaction to the other person’s situation or it may be your own past loss material rising to the surface. At moments like this, the care provider should remember that he or she has the capacity to put personal feelings to the side, or “bracket” them.  We do this by consciously assuring ourselves that we will address our own issues as soon as we are finished talking to the person we are working with.

• Awareness of compassion fatigue. When providers reach a point where they find their own loss and grief material coming up frequently, they may have reached a point of ‘compassion fatigue’ or burnout.  Accept that you have your own issues to deal with. This is normal— but it is also a signal that you need a break and/or some outside social and/or spiritual support or personal counseling. 

Our next column will begin a series on how to help dying people, their families and their home caregivers. Please direct questions to me in care of Living With Loss magazine and visit griefcarerprovider.com for free downloads and excerpts from Helping Grieving People –When Tears Are Not Enough. Visit me at griefcast.com for free audio programs on understanding grief.

 

*Excerpted and adapted from: Jeffreys, J. Shep. Helping Grieving People –When Tears Are Not Enough.

 

NOTE: This article was originally published in LIVING WITH LOSS: Hope & Healing For the Body, Mind and Spirit magazine in its spring 2007 issue, Vol. 21 (No. 1). This citation  must be included on all copies.

 

 

*Excerpts from:  Jeffreys, J. Shep (2005). Helping Grieving People — When tears are not enough:
A Handbook for Care Providers. New York, London: Routledge/Taylor Francis.
© 2005   All rights reserved; No form of duplication without publisher’s permission.