The Seven Principles of Human Grief: Understanding and Coping With Your Grief by J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., C.T.

INTRODUCTION

Human grief comes in many sizes and shapes and can last for weeks, months or years. It goes along with the territory of being a living being. Human grief is normal — it is a reaction to loss or the threat of loss, and has its origin in the development of the brain’s ability to keep us alive in times of danger.

Changes in life create grief because we have lost what used to be. Many see two worlds — our world before the loss, and our world since the loss. Letting go of a pre-loss world containing our loved one or friend or expectations for personal safety, economic security and the ability to reasonably predict what will happen next can be very upsetting and fill us with grief.

The Seven Principles of Human Grief listed below will give you an understanding of what to expect and are followed by several suggestions of what you can do to help yourself & others in the months and years ahead.

Principle One: You cannot fix or cure grief. . . but you can listen to it and support grievers.

While grief can be as widespread as the common cold, it is not an illness that needs medical attention. You can’t rub it out like “ring around the collar” or fix it like a leaky faucet. Grief is a condition that, while painful and upsetting, is actually helpful to most people and is not fixed or cured by medicine. The human grief reaction is a normal, natural combination of thoughts, physical and emotional feelings, and behaviors. It is therefore, an expected way of us reacting whenever we have already lost or are afraid we will lose someone or something important to us. The losses that create a grief reaction can be of a person, place, job, relationship, as well as the sense of safety and trust. Most of the time tears and friends can support us through our grief after a loss but there are sometimes complications (such as being a danger to themselves or others) that require an ASAP referral to a medical or mental health professional, letting family or school Student Services staff know.

What normal reactions to expect from grieving people:
Feelings. The feelings of grief have been expressed as long as there have been human beings. Sadness, anger and fear are fairly usual but some folks can also feel guilt and shame as well. Our grief feelings come out as behaviors such as crying, sighing, yelling, striking out physically, trembling, hiding, and running away. Some will say how they feel: “I’m so hurt;” “I’m very worried or scared;” “I’m very angry;” “I could just hit someone;” “I feel so sorry;” “I feel empty inside;” “My heart is aching;” “My body is in pain.” None of this is wrong or crazy.

Thinking can also be affected in the grief response to loss or threat of loss. Some will have a sense of “what’s the use!” or “How can I go on?” “I don’t know what to do next!” “Who am I now in this new work setting?” Also—forgetfulness, confusion, lack of motivation, can’t concentrate—are very usual. For example, people will say, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “My mind keeps wandering off my work.” “I keep forgetting where I put things or what I was about to do next!” These thoughts and even some conditions that ordinarily might be viewed as “crazy,” are typical of many people who are grieving. Examples of “normal crazy” are: seeing a deceased loved one standing at the foot of the bed, having a conversation with a dead relative, keeping clothes or other items of the deceased with you or even keeping the room or closet exactly the way it was.

Behaviors. Thoughts also can be expressed as behaviors. These can include avoiding social activities, absence from school or work, not completing school or work tasks or home chores, poor personal hygiene, jumping from one thing to another, having an unusually disorganized and cluttered work or home environment. Of course, some of us can already have these behaviors but the grief makes things worse.

Principle Two: There is no one right way to grieve.

Everyone grieves differently. Some tears are on the outside while other tears are on the inside. Neither way is right or wrong or better. We must respect the differences we have in the way we express our grief. Lack of crying is not a sign of being disloyal to those who have died. Some of the differences are caused by cultural and family variations in the way people have learned to express themselves when there has been a crisis and loss.

Principle Three: There is no universal timetable for the grief journey.

“How long will it take?” Answer: “As long as it takes.”   Too often we ourselves, and others in our lives, do not give us permission to have a grief journey that will result in the healthiest healing and reclaiming of a life. Many believe that after a year of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones on the calendar, that we should be pretty much “over it.”   However, most people do not travel the path to healing on someone else’s schedule. Many bereaved complain that even before a year is up, relatives and friends are urging them to “move on” with life. Life experience and surveys of mourners have shown us that people will continue with some form of grief reaction for life. Also, that the bonds we have to a deceased loved one or some other lost condition, will continue for life. People get impatient with another’s grief after a while and push them to be ok, stop crying and get ok again. Too often, we are not given sufficient time to mourn the loss generated by changes and losses in the school or workplace environment. Grief support groups yield benefits to the individuals and to the organization as well.

Principle Four: Every loss is a multiple loss.

We lose not only the body and being of our loved one or friend but also the conversations, shared ideas and fun or how we felt about ourselves when with that person. We lose the part of ourselves that had interacted with one who is no more—and sometimes our hope and dreams for the future. Such loss and grief is experienced by students who bring stories of tragedy home from school, and by adults who bring such stories home from work, church and other places in their lives.

Principle Five: Change Creates Loss Which Creates Grief (Change = Loss = Grief).

The very fact that change is part of life means that we are constantly connecting to people, places, things, pictures of ourselves, routines and expectations for the continuity of our life styles. When the “necessary losses and transitions” of life make us let go of one world—home to school, school to workplace, single life to coupling, to family, to each of the stages of adult life, we are faced with the potential of a grief reaction.   Each time there is a change, we lose what we have left behind and begin to connect to what will be next. When the change is a death or serious illness or is unexpected, traumatic and sudden, the grief reaction may be very intense and painful. Change in life circumstances – loss of parent, sibling, best friend, romantic interest – creates loss and grief as we must let go of one world and adjust to life in the post-loss world and new beginnings.

Principle Six: We Grieve For Old Loss While Grieving for New Loss.

In spite of our previous grieving, some unfinished, lingering grief is still left over. When a new loss happens, the old grief mingles with the new and increases the intensity of the grief reaction. It is pretty usual for us to think about a death that took place years ago when a loved one dies or some other significant loss or trauma happens. The old loss will usually require attention and cannot be pushed aside.

Principle Seven: We Grieve Whenever A Loss Has Occurred and When We Are Threatened With Loss.

Any threat to a bond or relationship continuing creates fear that the relationship will end. We don’t need an actual death or diagnosis of serious illness to begin the grieving reaction. Examples: a close relative has been diagnosed with a life threatening health condition, a loved was due at 9 pm and now it is 11 pm, or when a love relationship seems to be ending.

What you can do to help yourself and others:

1. First and foremost: DON’T DO NOTHING! An intentionally grammatically incorrect statement that reminds you to: Keep busy and active. Inactivity can let helpless despair take over.

2. Listen to how you are feeling and acknowledge this by saying out loud to yourself or to a friend exactly

what you are feeling. If a friend is in need of your help, encourage them to tell you how they are feeling, what hurts, where they feel pain. Some grieving friends or loved ones may not be ready to share this. Let them know this is ok.

3. If there are support groups—either ongoing or drop-in—give one a try and see if expressing your upset to others reduces the stress and pain for you. Examples are: School based Student Services, Religious Organizations, The Compassionate Friends (for Bereaved Parents and Siblings), Local Hospice Support Groups, Faith Community and other Outreach Organizations, Funeral Home Aftercare, SEASONS (Suicide survivors), Homicide Victim Support, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), Hospital Wellness Center, and Employee Assistance programs at work.

4. Try writing down how you feel in a journal or diary. Suggest this to a grieving friend.

5. Talk to someone you trust and respect. . . loved one, friend, clergy, colleague, counselor, health care provider. . .

6. Eat properly, exercise and get sufficient rest.

7. Use rituals, both religious and other ways to acknowledge your loss or fear of loss: light a candle, take a moment of silence at a meal or other gathering, plant a tree, give a donation to charity, volunteer to help others.

8. Learn and use relaxation exercises— commercial tapes, CD’s, which teach relaxation and/or provide very comforting music, sounds of nature – available in bookstores and the public library.

9. If you are bereaved, be kind to yourself—take a time-off from grieving, find productive distractions— a walk in nature, lunch or attend an athletic event with a friend, do some “retail therapy.”

10. If you are able to, seek solace in your own faith's spiritual guidance– talk with your spiritual advisor.

*Excerpts from: Jeffreys, J. Shep (2005). Helping Grieving People — When tears are not enough:
A Handbook for Care Providers. New York, London: Routledge/Taylor Francis.
© 2005   All rights reserved; No form of duplication without publisher’s permission.